If
I (Aimee) have learned anything from sitcoms, it’s that bad communication—which
includes no communication—leads to major trouble. And in real life, that
trouble can rarely be fixed in a half-hour window of time.
I
watched an episode of a new show where the son played his parents against
each other so that he could benefit, because he knew that his parents didn’t
talk and wouldn’t know that he was telling them different stories. Of course,
within the half-hour show, the parents talked, figured out their son’s trick, and
then punished him in an amusing and effective way. Laughs all around. The son won’t
try that again. And now the parents will make sure to talk more. Awwww, how …
unrealistic. Well, sadly, except for the
lack of communication part.
After
the show went off, I found myself thinking about this one. How often is trouble
created all because someone lied (either trying to trick someone else or out of
fear of sharing the truth), because someone was confused but was too embarrassed
to ask for clarification, because someone assumed that they heard correctly
when they weren’t really listening, because people simply didn’t talk, and the
list of possible modes of bad communication goes on and on …
So,
out of a deep desire to promote good communication, I’d like to share a few
points that I’ve learned along the way, whether in school or in the school of
life:
- Don’t lie! Let me say that one more
time: don’t lie.
The only
exception would be when you are planning a very special and wonderful surprise
and you have to make sure the person receiving the surprise doesn’t catch on.
If someone is wearing something that really doesn’t look good on them, tell
them the truth, just do it carefully and lovingly. If you mess up, own up! If
someone else has messes up, call them on it lovingly.
This is biblical! Remember that commandment:
“you shall not give false testimony against your neighbor” (Exodus 20:16;
Deuteronomy 5:20). It means don’t make up lies about your neighbor. And it isn’t
just talking about in a courtroom. Or what about Jesus’ example?! He didn’t
exactly back away or weasel out of conflict when someone did something wrong.
He confronted them. He called them on it. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 5 that you
should confront sin so that a person’s spirit can be saved.
Lies just make it worse. Honesty requires
the willingness to make yourself vulnerable. That doesn’t mean that you have to
bear your heart to every single person, but it does mean that the people and relationships that matter the most
deserve to be trusted with your heart.
Whether you are the one sharing or the
one listening this can be a danger. Right now, let me focus on the one who’s
sharing.
Don’t assume that others couldn’t
possibly understand, and therefore fail to communicate at all. Read the book of
Ecclesiastes (in the Old Testament, shortly after Psalms … it’s short). A key
theme in that book is that there is “nothing new under the sun.” Meaning,
history repeats itself. You are not the
first one to ever go through whatever it is that you’re going through. It may
not be identically the same, but it’s happened before and it’ll happen again. The
enemy of your soul wants you to believe that you are alone and that no one
understands. But he’s a liar. Don’t listen to him!
Also, don’t assume that others should understand, and therefore blame
the communication problems on them when they don’t understand. If they don’t
understand, explain yourself! Give better details or different details. Are you
using slang they’re not familiar with? Are you jumping all over the place
instead of following a logical order? Do you need to calm down and gather your
thoughts? Consider your job as the speaker to be clear.
Consider your job as the listener to
listen! It sounds like a weird direction to give. You’re probably saying to
yourself that you already do that. But do you really? Listening is a skill that
most people in our society have really neglected.
Don’t assume that you know what someone
is going to say or that you know how they feel and allow yourself to drift in
and out of real concentration. Don’t sit there waiting for your turn to talk,
thinking about what you want to say, instead of absorbing what someone is
saying to you.
Make eye contact. Turn your body to face
them. Focus. You give your television that courtesy, what about the people in
your life?
That goes along with “Don’t lie.” So, I
won’t say anymore on that point.
- Ask questions if you’re confused.
Don’t allow pride to keep you from
clarifying. Cause if you allow pride to make decisions for you, you’re a fool.
Yes, I said it. And I’ll also admit that I have been that fool at times,
myself.
Think carefully about your questions
before you ask them. Make sure you are as clear as possible. If you're confused by how poorly they're talking, it won't help anything if you are as confusing with your questions.
In the same respect, don’t shy away from
asking questions just to make sure that you heard correctly. You know, those
questions that almost aren’t questions. Things like: “so what you’re saying is …”
and then you fill in with your own words what you think they’re saying. This is
great for the one sharing because it lets them know that you’re really
listening. And it’s great for the listener because it makes it clear that you
understood correctly.
Don’t
underestimate the power of good, honest communication! Just as poor communication
can destroy relationships, good communication can heal relationships. It can deepen
and grow relationships. And always remember, it’s much easier to destroy a
relationship than it is to heal it. So avoiding destruction with open, honest
talking from the very beginning is a great practice.
Try
it out and see how it works for you.
